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Voting for the Least Competent Henchman /// The Silmaril Awards 2021

You came, you saw, you nominated. But now? Now . . . you VOTE!

I’d like to just have a friendly chat with you about what happens next, but these henchmen really are an unruly bunch. So back into character I must go! (I apologize in advance . . .)

*darkens the room with a clap of my hands again*

Last week, I informed you all of phase 1 of Operation: Silmaril Awards. As the bestest henchman ever to hench his way to the top, I have been placed in charge of keeping tabs on you rabble. 130 thoughts were shared, and we nominated about 35 villainous underlings for this prestigious mission.

But let me tell you, I’m very disappointed in how many of them acted. They were sometimes no better than low-level thugs. They ate all the food in the fridge (twice), engaged in swordplay whilst scrounging through the attic, tore down pieces of art—even ripped books in half! I should think they’d be more forward-thinking than that, considering they are book characters themselves.

After a very long week, though, it is finally time to move on to phase 2! Five of these dastardly right-hand men rose above the ranks to claim their rightful place, and to them I say: HUZZAH! The dark lords, demon kings, and black magic practitioners are pleased with their performance.

Who’re these five extraordinary ne’er-do-wells with penchants for destruction, chaos, and overall incompetence? I shall have the pleasure of revealing them to you right now. Prepare thine hearts for this message of glory and honor delivered in the most henchmaniest way possible!

Slarb /// The Wingfeather Saga series by Andrew Peterson

He’s cruel, he’s crazy, but most importantly . . . he’s a lizard-man with a plan! To exact his revenge, that is. He just so happens to be a Fang of Dang—good thing he’s not a Carne of Darn nor a Brat of Drat, amiright? His species is so unusual that they prefer to be the complete opposite of normal humans by liking what we dislike and vice versa. On top of that, Slarb has such a deep grudge against the heroes that he truly acts like he’s a few scales short of a full lizard skin, going so far as to turn on his own. Talk about incompetent, indeed!

The black dwarf /// The Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe by C.S. Lewis

How lousy of a henchman do you have to be to not even be given a name? That’s how bad the assistant to the White Witch. Yet despite his author leaving him as unnamed, second-class fiend, he was liked enough to make it to the voting round. Disney was kind enough to call him Ginarrbrik, though with a name like that, I’m sure he’d rather go nameless. To prove his incompetence, at one point he suggested to Jadis that they should keep Edmund alive as a hostage. But we all know a real villain would want to kill the hero, so it’s no wonder he’s stuck as a grumpy sidekick.

“The Golden Git” /// City Between series by W.R. Gingell

Tell me, what’s worse: being an unnamed character, or being given a ridiculous nickname by the protagonist that you just can’t shake? The Golden Git might be the man to ask, as he suffered the latter fate. He apparently does have a proper name, but we’re only told it sounds like a sneeze—a high-end one, at that. He carries about with a good rank, as he’s a chief lieutenant and a Fae Enforcer. Wonderful titles to hold, for sure, but he squanders them. He prefers to cause mischief and mayhem for the heroes instead of doing his job right. On top of that, he looks down his nose at humans, though species-ism might be the undoing of this henchman.

The White Rabbit /// Alice’s Adventures in Wonderland by Lewis Carroll

An excellent servant to any evil entity knows better than to be late. Staying on schedule and being punctual are key attributes to any successful minion. So when one of the first things the Rabbit says is that he’s going to be late . . . we know exactly what kind of lackey he is. And then to further butcher his career path as a top lackey, he mistakenly thinks Alice is his housemaid. Check your prescription, you furry fiend, you’ll be rabbit stew at this rate. After all, when you serve someone like the Queen of Hearts, you need to keep your head in the game—lest you lose it entirely.

Peter Pettigrew /// Harry Potter series by J.K. Rowling

This man has a surplus of names, considering he also has the nicknames Wormtail and Scabbers, the last one being his pet name. And I mean that quite literally. He spent twelve years as a spy in rat form, and he was taken care of by the Weasleys. Let me say that again: he was a rat in the Weasleys’ possession for years. But he also did it because he wanted to protect himself from Voldemort’s other supporters and servants. Only when his identity was exposed did he come crawling back to his master. Up to the very end, he proved just how incompetent he was, much to his lord’s disgust. Talk about a lousy henchman.

Now you must take action! Decide for yourselves which of these five will have the honor of receiving the award for being the least competent of all henchmen and -women! Who will you choose in the end?

Thankfully, the ones in charge of this operation have kept things simple for you so that you don’t mess up. All you have to do is use the link provided RIGHT HERE to fill out the voting form! But before you do that, you need to be fully informed and know every aspect of the plan, like a good subordinate! So check out the other blogs and read up on everyone else you’re voting on. Brute force may be the only power you know, but knowledge is also power!

  1. Most Epic Hero /// Madeline J. Rose
  2. Most Epic Heroine /// E.E. Rawls
  3. Wisest Counselor /// Kenzie Keene
  4. Most Faithful Friend /// Grace Taber
  5. Most Majestic Ruler /// Sarah Pennington
  6. Most Silver Tongue /// Jenelle Schmidt
  7. Strangest Character /// DJ Edwardson
  8. Most Nefarious Villain /// Jem Jones
  9. Least Competent Henchman /// Do I need to explain this EVERY time???
  10. Most Mischievous Imp /// Tracey Dyck
  11. Most Magnificent Dragon /// Christine Smith

Now go do your jobs and VOTE! You have until the end of Friday to submit your votes. The award ceremonies—AKA phase 3, AKA the final phase/the final boss/the final form/it’s the final countdown—begins next week!


Published by Josiah Dyck

Just a nerd who enjoys nerdy things.

23 thoughts on “Voting for the Least Competent Henchman /// The Silmaril Awards 2021

  1. Oh my word, this made my day. XD “with a name like that, I’m sure he’d rather go nameless” << when I say I laughed out loud, I mean a full blown LAUGH. Like legit dying over here. XD

    My good sir! These posts are INCREDIBLE. I have no clue who I'm going to vote for, though! Ack… This is gonna be one tough decision to make.

    Liked by 3 people

    1. Ahh, thank you so much! I’m glad I was able to make your day with my silly post. XD Oh my word, that is just too good. I would’ve loved to have heard that. XD

      Thank you, thank you. You’re too kind, Kenzie! I’m not sure about who I’ll vote for yet either . . . though I don’t think it’ll be as tough of a decision for me. XD


  2. “The bestest henchman ever to hench his way to the top”–I’m dying, this whole post is great. XDDD Wow, 35 henchmen is a lot! I feel like we don’t usually get that many — apparently it’s hard to find such incompe– er, I mean, such . . . WONDERFUL . . . er . . . henchmen. XD (Though shame on them for ripping up books and eating all the food, twice.) (Brat of Drat. I’m dead. XDDD) “being given a ridiculous nickname by the protagonist that you just can’t shake?” Lol, yes. XD Love all these descriptions! Why is voting so harddd this year?? So many good–er, vile–henchmen this year!

    Liked by 3 people

    1. I thought it was pretty clever, in a ridiculous sort of way. XD Thank you, I’m glad you liked it! Is it??? It felt like such a small number compared to other people’s nominations. Yeahhh, it might be best to avoid insulting them. (I know, they can be such uncultured thugs sometimes . . .) (That was another fun bit to do. XD) I had a lot of fun getting creative and wacky with my descriptions. XD Some years just are so much harder than others, that’s for sure.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Yeah, I think the first few years the number of henchmen was in the teens, and I think it was just the last year or two there were twenty or thirty? I could be wrong, but it’s always the slowest category, for sure; for some reason there aren’t as many henchmen as there are, say, heroes. XD The creative and wacky descriptions were awesome! XD

        Liked by 1 person

  3. “Check your prescription, you furry fiend, you’ll be rabbit stew at this rate. After all, when you serve someone like the Queen of Hearts, you need to keep your head in the game—lest you lose it entirely.”


    JOSIAH. These descriptions! Pure gold. Absolutely pure gold. I’m thinking you need to consider a career as a villain. You pull it off to perfection. And I mean that in the highest of compliments. ;D

    This was just too great and I’m grinning so hard over here. But AGH. How to choose??? Such great (or…not-so-great?) henchman to choose from!

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Thank you so much, Christine! I had so much fun getting wild and wacky with them. It’s one of the reasons why I wanted to do the least competent henchman category, because then I could go off the rails and just be goofy about it. Agh, thank you so much! You’re too kind. ^_^

      Haha, I’m glad people are finding these posts humorous. Yeah, I haven’t decided who I’m gonna vote for yet either. Hopefully I can make a decision quickly!


  4. You have earned my respect as a wrangler and boss of henchmen, however incompetent.

    Anyone else wondering if the Nefarious Villians scout our nominations for Incompetent Henchmen, and beg, bribe, wheedle, and threaten, in order to buff up their crew? Or is a matter of pride (“my henchman is supremely, undoubtedly superior to yours”)? Or in the case of incredibly incompetent henchmen, more of a disdainful embarrassment?

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Thank you, that’s very kind of you. I’ve practiced long and hard for this day, and I think I’ve made handling henchmen practically an art form. XD

      Ooh, now there’s an interesting thought! I suppose it would depend on the villain. Some might be recruiting, some might be boastful, and still others might be ashamed. Hmm . . . now you’ve got me really thinking about this!

      Liked by 1 person

  5. . . . that transition from the White Witch’s dwarf to the Golden Git was SUPERB. Even the Git himself couldn’t look down his nose at that. (Well, he could. But he’d have a harder time of it than usual.) Anyway. Magnificent, hilarious post! Well done!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you kindly! I always like it when I can find some sort of fun, creative way to do transitions like that. They’re oddly satisfying, for some reason??? I suppose that’d be a very high compliment coming from a guy like him. XD Thank you, I’m glad you enjoyed it!


  6. JOSIAH THIS IS COMEDY GOLD. I think this might be the funniest henchmen post I’ve read since the Silmaril Awards began… and I can’t wait to see what chaos ensues at the final award ceremony. XD

    Those descriptions are hilarious. How am I going to choose?!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you! And really, I’m the funniest one with this category so far? I take that as a very high compliment, especially since five other people have done it before me. Oh yea, it’s gonna get real wild. XD

      You could just . . . close your eyes and pick one randomly? 😛


  7. I had a blast reading this post! For someone writing about incompetence, you seem…well, overly competent! Your wit is far too great to be spent on lowly characters such as these. You need a promotion, I say! A promotion!

    But until we can get all the paperwork filled out, I suppose you’ll just have to ride out the trip with these five “les miserables.”

    And yes, I’ve often thought that about the White Witch’s dwarf. Not even a name! If that doesn’t qualify you as incompetent I don’t know what will!?!

    Looking forward to all the incompetence to come!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thanks a bunch, DJ! Well, I have to be more competent than all these hooligans, lest my home becomes the target of total chaos and destruction. But I would gladly accept a promotion. I’d prefer to work with characters who understand my wit and charm instead of those who stare blankly at the end of my speeches.

      Fine, I understand that the paperwork can be both a hassle and a headache. We’ll look into those things next year.

      Right??? Like, that’s one of the biggest insults to any henchman, being unnamed. But I suppose it can’t be helped sometimes.

      It’ll be a blast, trust me!


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