Least Competent Henchman Nominations /// The Silmaril Awards 2021

Behind every great villain is a not-so-great henchman—usually a very incompetent one, actually. But I’m getting ahead of myself.

Welcome, ladies and gentlemen, to the sixth annual Silmaril Awards! If you’re passionate about glorious tales that take place in fantasy worlds far beyond our reach, filled with brave heroes and dastardly villains . . . then you must know all about these Silmaril Awards. But if you don’t, fret not! I shall bring you up to speed.

However, before I do so, I must confess: I have been put in charge of rounding up all these nefarious sidekicks and keeping them in my home while the awards are going on. And if you know anything about henchmen, the only way to keep them under control is by being stronger and more terrifying than they are. So I’m afraid I have to get into character. You’ll have to forgive me, since this is my first time hosting and I can’t have anything go wrong on my watch. With that being said . . .

*claps hands, and the lights in the room darken*

Ahem . . . so I was penned in by my secretary to help my master take over the world today, whilst also encouraging some of those annoying heroes to pursue a life of revenge and all that. But I guess I’ll just throw those plans out, because now I’m stuck with YOU rabble. *crumples up schedule while glaring intensely*

I’m not going to do this Ted Talk more than once. (Wait, they don’t have Ted Talks in fantasy worlds, but I can’t look like a fool now.) Ahem, a-HEM. Which means you’d better listen up and pay attention.

*looks over my notes* There was an idea . . . to bring together a group of remarkable people, to see if we could become something more. (Wrong story, but they won’t know, right?) These people formed the Silmaril Awards and blah, blah, blah! Obviously they were successful if it’s been going on for six blazing years. I shouldn’t have to tell you that, seriously.

But who cares about history when we’ve got some very important dates to remember? After all, a good servant to a dark lord will always keep track of significant dates. So I shall give them to you now, and I expect you to pay close attention! I don’t have time to repeat myself, so clean your ears and listen well!

You will have from today, which is September the 6th in the year of our Lord 2021, until the end of Friday, which is September the 10th in the year of our Lord 2021, to submit your nominations!

Do I make myself clear? You have but five days to nominate your favorite characters in these prestigious awards. (Oh yeah, I said I wouldn’t repeat myself, didn’t I . . . ?)

Ahem, AHEM, aHEm. Now of course, it’s take more than one incompetent henchman to ruin a good plan. No, that’s the wrong expression. It takes more than . . . it’s not a good idea to . . . it’s . . . GAH.

IT’S NOT SAFE TO GO ALONE. TAKE THIS.

*an awkward silence ensues, followed by me throwing miniature scrolls at everyone*

This is your homework for this week, so study it well! While I may be the biggest brute of a right-hand man any antagonist has ever hired, I cannot do my job alone. That is why there are ten others who’re helping run these awards cooperatively. I don’t do teamwork, but I suppose I’ll make an exception this time. *shrugs melodramatically*

The Silmaril Awards categories and hosts are as follows:

  1. Most Epic Hero /// Madeline J. Rose
  2. Most Epic Heroine /// E.E. Rawls
  3. Wisest Counselor /// Kenzie Keene
  4. Most Faithful Friend /// Grace Taber
  5. Most Majestic Ruler /// Sarah Pennington
  6. Most Silver Tongue /// Jenelle Schmidt
  7. Strangest Character /// DJ Edwardson
  8. Most Nefarious Villain /// Jem Jones
  9. Least Competent Henchman /// Well, you read the post title, didn’t you???
  10. Most Mischievous Imp /// Tracey Dyck
  11. Most Magnificent Dragon /// Christine Smith

So how does one make a nomination? Well, if I must go over the basics, I suppose I will. You nominate a character by commenting on the respective blog post. That’s it. That’s the tutorial.

In all honesty, we’ve got a few more rules than that. Or are they guidelines? *rolls eyes* Villains don’t follow rules OR guidelines. They follow their hearts . . . Nope, that’s not right. Their dreams? Uh, not quite. They follow . . . codes! Of course every well-written villain has his or her own code. Which is why we have one now. To satisfy everyone involved. Do I really need to explain EVERYTHING?!

Let’s go over them now, because we really can’t afford to have anyone mucking around this week . . . Which means you’re getting another list!

  • First and foremost, Tolkien’s characters are not to be nominated. We know how much they’re loved, but they’re too busy helping us host the awards to really participate in them. Savvy? Good. Moving along, then.
  • These awards are exclusive to fantasy book characters. No, this is not bookism/characterism/whatever-you’d-call-it. Delete that angry Tweet and listen up. (Josiah, you gotta stop making modern references! You’ll confuse the henchmen if you act like that around them, and then they’ll get upset, and things will get very ugly and spiral out of control.) This simply means you cannot nominate anyone from, say, a fantasy game or show, nor any character from a genre outside fantasy. However, if you can persuade me that a book should be considered fantasy, I’ll discuss it with my fellow hosts and get back to you.
  • When you nominate someone, let us know which book they’re from. You make our jobs so much more difficult—or at least mildly so—when you don’t give us this crucial information. And no successful sidekick withholds info from their leader, am I right?
  • Your nominations aren’t limited. You can nominate and second as many characters as you want. You obviously just can’t do an individual character more than once, because that would be cheating. And we don’t tarnish these awards’ good name with cheating, do we?
  • If a character won an award in a previous year, they are not eligible to win in that particular category again. ‘Twould be so unfair if only one person won the same award year after year.
  • If you’re an author, congratulations! You are by no means allowed to nominate your own characters. This doesn’t mean, though, that you can’t convince your readers to do your dirty work for you.
  • I’m obligated to tell you here to have fun . . . I’m not paid enough for this. HaVe fuN! . . . That was very sarcastic, in case you don’t know what sarcasm is. *rolls eyes again*

Now that we’re done here, I’m headed out! Do your job, nominate some henchmen by the end of Friday, then come back the following week for your next assignment!

*waits a while, then claps hands to brighten up the room* That had better have been convincing enough . . . I’d rather not get kidnapped and robbed in my sleep once those henchmen get here.

Published by Josiah Dyck

Just a nerd who enjoys nerdy things.

133 thoughts on “Least Competent Henchman Nominations /// The Silmaril Awards 2021

  1. “They follow…codes!” Well, you got that right, but the code is more like guidelines, anyway. 😉 (Loved your intro! I do hope that you convinced all those unruly henchman that you are, in fact, more terrifying than they.)

    I nominate:

    -Peter Pettigrew/Wormtail (Harry Potter)
    -Dobby (Harry Potter)
    -General Khrak (The Wingfeather Saga)
    -Slarb (The Wingfeather Saga)
    -Daran (Moonscript by H.S.J. Williams)

    Liked by 1 person

    1. This is very true. I was actually thinking of Pirates of the Caribbean when I wrote that. XD (Thank you! I’m hoping I was intimidating enough . . . but only time will tell. *wipes the nervous sweat from my brow*)

      I know only a couple of those characters, unfortunately. But thanks for nominating some!

      Liked by 1 person

    1. Inkheart! Basta is a good character. Although I don’t know why he would be least competent. He seemed pretty good to me. I haven’t finished the book yet though, and its been a while, so I may have missed something.

      Liked by 1 person

    2. I second him though (he needs to win something). Also, if you like Inkheart characters, I have been nominating them in other categories, so you might want to see those.

      Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you, Deborah! I’m surprised it turned out so funny considering how late it was and how tired *I* was. Unless that was the secret to my success . . .

      Haha, that’s amazing! I feel like I need to check this series out now. XD

      Liked by 1 person

  2. Josiah, this is HILARIOUS. You’re in for one doozy of a time with those henchmen, methinks. Let’s see now, who to nominate… (I swear this is the hardest category for me to think of nominations for.)

    Erm…. I nominate the White Witch’s dwarf in The Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe. (If he had a name, I’ve forgotten it.)

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you, thank you. *bows magnanimously* XD Yeah, my hands are quite full. It does help that they’re all pretty incompetent, though.

      Haha, wow, what a nomination. (But it doesn’t seem like he had a name? In the Disney edition, he was called Ginarrbrik . . . but I think he’s otherwise just known as a black dwarf.)

      Liked by 1 person

  3. I second:
    Slarb (Wingfeather Saga)
    the White Witch’s dwarf (The Lion, the Witch, and the Wardrobe)

    I nominate:
    Antorell (Enchanted Forest Chronicles, by Patricia Wrede)

    Liked by 1 person

  4. This was hilarous, Josiah, you were very convincing in-character xD

    I second:
    – Peter Pettigrew (incompetent henchrat)
    – the White Witch’s dwarf
    – Olive, Ella Enchanted

    And I nominate Pex and Chips (they come as a pair, sorry, as they are equals who inspire each other to ever-increasing heights of incompetency xD) from The Eternity Code (Artemis Fowl #3, Eoin Colfer.)

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you so much . . . but how are you so sure that I was in character??? XD

      I don’t think you know how happy it makes me to see some Artemis Fowl love here. You have my respect. It’s one of my top favorite series ever. 😀

      Liked by 1 person

  5. This was awesome! I think you’re going to do fine… or at least you won’t get kidnapped in your sleep. That will be good. Way to keep those henchmen in line!

    I second:
    Antorell (Dealing with Dragons)

    I nominate:
    Fintan (Keeper of the Lost Cities)
    Daran (Moonscript)
    Melantha (Elven Alliance)

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you kindly, Jenelle! I hope I’ll be okay. I think I intimidated all of these brutes and thugs thoroughly . . . but you never know what might happen if they get any sort of ideas in their head. I’ll do my best to make sure they don’t cause any trouble, Scout’s honor!

      Like

  6. I second Pettigrew (Harry Potter), Slarb and Khrak (Wingfeather Saga), Richard (100 Cupboards), and the White Witch’s dwarf (Narnia).

    I nominate Colin (the Gateway Chronicles) and Nahuseresh and Melheret (the Queen’s Thief).

    Liked by 1 person

  7. “IT’S NOT SAFE TO GO ALONE. TAKE THIS.”

    *CHOKES* Okay this was the best thing ever and I’m laughing so hard. That Avengers reference though. XDD I just loved everything about this. I can’t even.

    VERY smart to show your dominance. The Incompetent Henchmen was my first category to do as well and, alas, I did not even think of such brilliant tactics. Here two years later I’m still cleaning up after them. >.> You’re already showing you’re going to handle these unruly people with no trouble at all!

    So excited to have you on the team, Josiah!

    Liked by 3 people

    1. Ahh, I’m glad this turned out to be as amusing it did. It was so late, and I was tired and a bit grumpy(ish), so it’s very surprising that the humor actually worked. Thank you so much! I couldn’t resist throwing in a few references. 😉

      I thought it was a pretty good tactic. After all, henchmen listen to power and brute force, so not logic and brilliance. I feel you, they can certainly be a tactless and careless lot. I hope so! I better establish an emergency escape though, just in case . . .

      Thank you! It’s great to be on the team. ^_^

      Liked by 1 person

  8. I second Slarb (Wingfeather), the White Witch’s dwarf (Narnia), and the huntsman (Snow White).

    I nominate The White Rabbit (Alice’s Adventures in Wonderland by Lewis Carroll); I mean, technically, he works for the Queen of Hearts… and we all know how THAT ended.

    Liked by 2 people

  9. I second Slarb (Wingfeather Saga), the black dwarf (The Lion, the Witch, and the Wardrobe), and the White Rabbit (Alice’s Adventures in Wonderland).

    I nominate Edmund Scully from Wayne Thomas Batson’s Isle of Swords.

    Liked by 1 person

  10. I second:
    The golden git- city between
    The white witch’s dwarf-narnia
    Pex and chips-Artemis fowl
    Melantha-elven alliance
    The huntsman-snow white
    The white rabbit- Alice in wonderland

    Liked by 1 person

  11. Seconding Basta, the Golden Git (this is the first and probably last time I’ll ever have occasion to type that word xDD), the White Witch’s dwarf, Olive, Melantha, the White Rabbit, and Palomena!

    Liked by 1 person

  12. It’s nice to see some Inkheart lovers. I really need to finish those books! I won’t allow myself to watch the movie until I have.

    Seconding:
    General Khrak
    Slarb
    Dobby
    Peter Pettigrew
    Basta
    Richard Leeds
    White Witch’s Dwarf

    Nominating:
    Flatnose (Inkheart)
    Unferth (The Beowulf Poem)

    Liked by 1 person

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